When strong emotions are accepted, we can recognize them as valuable feedback telling us that something in our life is needing attention. While this is as true for our children as it is for us, wanting our children to be happy, to love, to see beauty everywhere, we tend to deny their vulnerabilities and negative emotions. We fear that by acknowledging the pain—the hurt, the vulnerabilities, the unpleasant emotions—we reinforce it. We hope, and like to imagine, that by denying pain, it will go away. The truth is that the moment pain is acknowledged and accepted, it can be eased.

Children need to be free to express their sorrow, their anger and fear, as well as their joy, without having an adult rush in with their own feelings, interpretations, and judgments. They cannot develop skills for managing their feelings--rather than acting out or suppressing them—until their feelings are acknowledged and affirmed.

Allowing a child to be herself does not mean giving her license to behave in whatever way she wishes. Having feelings and acting on them are two very different things. Children need and want to learn to accept and take ownership of their feelings, and to recognize that they are responsible for how they act on those feelings. While people may tease and provoke us, they cannot "make us angry." We each choose our response, and are responsible for that choice, and for the consequences that come with it.

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